


Somewhere We Only We Know

by wordsinabook



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Bisexual Evan Hansen, Connor Murphy & Zoe Murphy Bonding, Connor Murphy Lives (Dear Evan Hansen), Evan Hansen Centric, Evan Hansen Has Anxiety, Evan Hansen Has a Crush on Connor Murphy, Evan Hansen In Recovery, F/F, F/M, Gay Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Jared Kleinman & Connor Murphy Tension, Jared Kleinman Being an Asshole, Larry Murphy Tries (Dear Evan Hansen), M/M, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-10
Updated: 2019-02-10
Packaged: 2019-10-25 08:29:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,023
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17721728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wordsinabook/pseuds/wordsinabook
Summary: What if Evan Hansen didn't write about Zoe in the letter and instead he had a heart-to-heart with Connor?





	Somewhere We Only We Know

**1: Branches and Letters**

Evan Hansen took a steadying breath before pulling himself higher. His knees were wobbling and his hands sweating but he kept climbing regardless. The sun was beginning to set which cast a pink shadow over Evan's face.

He sat on the branch for a second to just look at the sky. Glancing down he could see that the field was empty and quiet, there was only the sound of the breeze as it passed through the grass far below.

_If it's the last thing you see, at least it's beautiful._

From this high up, the world looked different. All the tall trees he had to crane his neck to see because they were so big now seemed so small. If only he could do the same with his problems.  

 _There's no other option. This should be high enough._   Cut the voice into his thoughts.

Right. His feet dangled off the edge and, feeling his eyes begin to burn, he took another steadying breath. Tears were beginning to gather on his eyelashes.

From happiness or sorrow? He couldn't tell.

_Does it matter? It's too late._

"Too late. It doesn't matter." He repeated. He lifted his arm to wrap around the branch above his head. A sturdy branch that would be hard to break.

_Just let go. No need to hurt the tree._

Right.

Evan Hansen let go.

-

Evan thought about his mother as he went down. The wind rushed by and he continued to look at the sky and noticed it had grown much darker. The tree was beginning to look bigger.

Would his mother cry? Maybe at first, out of requirement but not because she's really upset.

_She wouldn't have to pay for you or worry about having to fix a broken nuisance. She'd be free to finish her career and to live her life._

He clenched his eyes shut and braced himself for the death that awaited him.

-

It was pitch black when he opened his eyes. His cheeks were cold now that the sun was gone and the grass was tickling his skin. The back of his head was throbbing and his side ached from the impact. He turned onto his back to relieve some of the pain.

_But you aren't supposed to hurt once you die._

He lifted his arms to rub his eyes but soon realized his arm felt numb. He stuttered out a breath before noticing the tears streaming down his cheeks and onto the ground. He looked around the empty field, no one was coming for him.

The tree looked so big from the ground.

-

"It  _is_ broken."

"...oh are you sure? I mean you probably are, you're the doctor. Sorry, I just-it didn't really hurt so I thought maybe it wasn't?"

"...Right. Anyway, we'll put you in a cast. It'll be on there for a few months. You should schedule with an orthopedic to get it checked out in a couple of months, just to be sure it's healing correctly."

"Yea, ok. Thank you."

"Alright, I'll send someone in to bandage you up. Hope you get better."

"You too- I mean, not you too. You-Sorry that was weird I meant- thanks?" He fiddled with the hem of his shirt and watched as the doctor gave him a small nod and left the room.

_God, can you be normal for once?_

**_-_ **

He stared down at the white plaster on his arm. The white cast seemed to stare back.

He hated the damn thing. It made his skin itchy and his shoulder ache. His mother had told him to continue his letters to himself to help him "build confidence", whatever that was.

If anything it was building his anxiety because now he turned from his blank cast to his blank paper and no matter how hard he stared at either, they remained blank. He'd start a sentence, see his cast and erase it.

Lifting his forehead off from the desk, he quit picking on his cast and grabbed his book bag. He might be a complete mess but he wasn't late.

-

"How'd you even manage to break your arm? Jack off too hard?" Jared snickered and leaned against the locker beside Evan's.

"N-no! Jared, what the hell?"

"Aw, look! You're blushing."

"Because what you're accusing me of is e-embarrassing, Jared."

"Surrreee. But really, what happened?" He looked concerned, something Jared Kleinman rarely ever was. Evan pretended to look for a binder despite his locker being empty to avoid looking at Jared.

"I- uh- I fell."

"You... _fell_?"

"Yea. From-um- from a r-really tall tree."

"Pft. What are you an acorn? Oh, yes! That's it! You're Acorn from now on." His eyes suddenly brightened at the thought before looking over Evan's shoulder.

"Nice hair, Murphy! Real school shooter chic." He snickered.

Evan turned and watched at Connor Murphy turned to Jared, and by default, Evan.

"It was a joke, y'know, something funny. Maybe you've heard of it?" Despite his cocky demeanor, Evan could see the way Jared clutched the strap of his book bag.

"Oh yea, real funny. Can't you see I'm laughing? Am I not laughing hard enough for you?"

Evan could feel his throat closing up, getting dry and scratchy almost as if he'd swallowed flour.

"Freak." Jared muttered before walking away, leaving Evan alone to deal with the one thing he couldn't which was dealing with a social situation.

_You should apologize._

Right. Evan coughed to clear his throat and immediately Connor turned to look at him.

"You think that's funny? I'm not the freak! You're the freak!" He pushed Evan back, his head closing his locker, before storming off down the hall.

He looked around to the people watching and felt his throat close up completely. He stood, dusted himself off with shaking hands and headed to the bathroom.

 _You're the freak!_ Rang through his skull as pulled his hair in the abandoned bathroom. The paint was chipping off and someone had written something dirty on the stall door. Evan practiced his breathing techniques and tried to ground himself as he counted the bathroom tiles before heading to class.

_You're the freak!_

_-_

**Dear Evan Hansen,**

**Today's gonna be a great day because |**

The cursor blinked back up. Evan's fingers trembled as he tried to think of a reason. He erased it and started again.

**Turns out, today isn't going to be so great after all. This isn't going to be an amazing week or an amazing year because when has it ever been? Just because you want it to be isn't going to make it true. You don't have friends and everyone saw you cry today, they probably hate you. You can't even talk in front of a class or make simple phone calls like a normal person. Your hands sweat and your fidgeting is weird. Jared said so.**

**Jared doesn't like you and if there was a line he'd have to get behind you.**

**I wish I was part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone. I mean face it, would anyone notice if I just disappeared tomorrow?**

**There's plenty of reason's why today won't be a great day so let's leave it at that.**

**Sincerely, Me |**

Vaguely he heard the printer go off and he laid his forehead down onto the desk and took in a shaky breath.

_You can't even do this simple thing right. Why bother at all? You should have climbed higher. You-_

"Hey."

Evan's head snapped up to see Connor standing behind him.

"I saw you in here and I just...i just thought I'd...apologize." He said it slowly, almost hesitant like he doesn't know how to apologize. Maybe he doesn't. Connor's eyes looked away and he scratched his arm before taking another step closer.

"How'd you break your arm?" There was that question again.

"I, I f-fell from a tree. A t-tall tree."

"You fell out of a tree? That's the fucking saddest thing I've ever heard." 

Evan let out a dry chuckle. Connor broke the silence again.

"Nobody signed your cast." Evan looked down to the white plaster. 

"No. I, I guess uh n-not."

"I could. Sign it, I mean."

"You, you don't h-have to."

"You have a sharpie?" Fumbling, Evan pulled out a black sharpie to hand to Connor.

"There." He said after his name was written in large black letters across the white canvas. "Now we can both pretend to have friends." 

"I-yea." He tried to smile but his hands were shaking and he could feel his eyes burning so it probably looked more like a painful grimace. 

"What's your name?" 

"M-my name? My name is-is uh Evan Hansen." A look of realization crossed his face.

"Evan Hansen?"

"Yes, Evan Hansen. S-sorry."

"...Why are you apologizing?"

"Because you said my name and I repeated it and I totally didn't have to and that can be really annoying so I'm really sorry for repeating it." Evan's voice had steadily begun to rise as he ranted and he quietly mumbled out a 'sorry'.

"It's fine. I just found this in the printer on my way here, is it yours?" He held up Evan's letter.

"Y-yea."

"Who...Did someone write this to you?"

"N-no why would, why would you t-think that?" Evan could feel his hands beginning to sweat.

"Because its addressed to you and it says 'You don't have friends and everyone saw you cry today, they probably hate you-'"

Evan reached up and attempted to grasp it but Connor only lifted it above his head and frowned, his eyebrows furrowed. 

"Look, I don't really know you but if someone is writing you lett-"

"No! I just, it's n-not what it looks like."

"Then what  _is_ it?"

"It- um- it doesn't really, it's not. It's a school assignment!"

"A school assignment? I know most people think I'm dumb but I'm not stupid, y'know?"

"I- I don't think you're stupid. Or dumb. I just- it doesn't matter what it's for,  uh it's- my mom is probably waiting for me I have t-to go." He attempted again but Connor pushed his head back and Evan slip[ed back into his chair.

"Look, Hansen-"

"I, uh I should g-go-"

"-It isn't my business but you shouldn't let-"

"-can I p-please just have it b-back-"

"-I'm not the best at reassuring but you-"

"...i-it's not important-" Evan could feel his eyes begin to prickle again.

"-and honestly Kleinman is an ass-wait are you crying?"

"N-no. I uh, I just- I'm going to be late and my mom will probably think I don't want to go to therapy and then Dr. Sherman will think I'm getting worse because I haven't written any letters and I'm not going to therapy so I really need my letter back but you probably think I'm a freak, no wait you do. You said so and Jared will too cause he might be an ass but he's the only person who can stand me and-" His breathing had become shallow as he ranted, his voice raising once more until he was practically yelling at Connor in the abandoned library. 

"-sen! Evan!" Evan hadn't realized he'd fallen off the chair and was sobbing until he noticed Connor kneeling in front of him. 

"...s-so-sorry." He rubbed at his eyes and wished he could disappear if only to save himself the humiliation of sobbing in front of Connor fricking Murphy. 

"No need to apologize." He mumbled, almost as if he was uncomfortable and sat beside Evan on the floor of the library. After a few moments of stuttered breathing, Evan looked up to see Connor holding out his letter.

"You, you said it was for your therapist, Doctor Sherbert?" Evan gave a small, wobbly smile.

"D-doctor Sherman." He corrected.

"And what did I say?"

"...S-sherbert."

"Close enough." A wet laugh.

"I, I guess."

"You wanna ditch?"

"W-what? Like s-skip, school?"

"We could get sherbert, I know a place."

"I-I've never s-skipped."

"Never? Well, Hansen, you live and you learn." He stood and held out his hand. Evan Hansen's shaky hand clasped his before they walked out of the library.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not really sure where to go with this but I just need some Connor/Evan fluff and so I had to write it myself :-)


End file.
